How Can You Best Help Your Kids Through Separation and Divorce? Keep them away from the conflict.

While no one can agree to never engage in conflict with their ex-partner, parents can keep their children away from the conflict.  Here are some suggestions:

Make Sure Children Are Not Involved in Communications Between You and Your Former Partner

• Meetings:  Meet your former partner in a neutral location/public place away from children and treat it like a business meeting.  Have an agenda and keep to it.

• Phone Contact:  Make sure children cannot hear your telephone conversations with your former partner.

• E-mail Contact:  Make sure children do not have access to the account!!  Be careful not to put confidential matters in writing.

• Answering Machine:  Be sure to leave neutral messages on your former partner's answering machine.

• Messages:  Do not use your children to carry messages to the other parent, especially hostile messages - children will feel caught in the middle.

• Confidential Messages:  Be careful not to put confidential matter in writing and in places where the children may see it.

Be Sensitive to Your Child's Need to Love Both Parents

• Conversations:  Make sure your children cannot hear your conversations with others (family, doctors, lawyers, friends).  Carefully pick your time and place to vent!

• Questions:  Do not ask children intrusive questions about the other parent, for example, "Did your dad have someone sleep over last weekend?"

• Secrets:  Do not ask children to keep information from their other parent.  For example, "Don't tell you mother that we went out of town for the weekend."

• Put Downs:  Don't make negative remarks to the children about the other parent.

• Listen:  Allow your children to express their feelings about their other parent to you. It is ok for children to say that they miss the other parent.  Confirm that you understand these feelings.

Be Considerate

• Plans:  Do not make plans for your children on the other parent's time.  Encourage them to call their other parent to check on social arrangements.

Handle Anger Responsibly

• Do no harm:  It's OK to be angry but it's not OK to hurt people physically or emotionally.

• Wait:  When you're angry is not the time to address conflict.

• Give Space:  When you're angry keep distance between yourself and the other person.

Be reassured, even if you have done some of these things, you always have a chance to do it better next time. The more you work on keeping your children away from the conflict, the better your children will adjust.